The Cheesiest
by Angeliz
Summary: Yami and Yugi are meant to be. There's really no reason to make it difficult. Especially with Yugi's grandfather in Egypt again—seriously, does he even remember what Domino City looks like? ...Oh well. At least his kitchen table is sturdy.


There is much YuGiOh fanfiction. A lot of it is hopelessly clichéd. Doesn't mean it's not good. Just means there is fun to be had.

…

"Hey, Yami."

"Yugi!"

Yami paused with his forkful of eggs, waffles, toast, bacon, cold cereal, and other assorted Western-style breakfast items halfway to his mouth. He had been startled from his reverie by the sudden and unexpected appearance of Yugi, whose appearances were often sudden and unexpected despite the fact that he lived upstairs. Yami might have used their mind-link, he supposed, but it was always tricky trying to work out the proper quotation marks. And the italics? Meh. It was easier not to bother.

Yugi brushed his shoulder as he slid into the seat beside him, reaching for his own breakfast of American-style cheeseburgers. It was all he ever ate. He was curious like that. "So, where's Grandpa this morning?"

Yami cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Solomon rushed off at about six to catch a flight to Egypt. Apparently there was a big archaeology conference or something similarly vague."

Yugi nodded thoughtfully as he chewed. "Funny. I always thought his name was Sugoroku."

"Sometimes I get mixed up and call him Siamun," said Yami helpfully. "And don't even get me started on all those Japanese honorifics."

"It's okay, we don't really use them. It's all a clever farce." Yugi reached for his bottle of ramune, which he was drinking because he was actually Japanese, and then cranked up the volume on the heretofore unmentioned radio. It was playing "Dance, Dance" by Fall Out Boy, which was his favorite song of the moment and really applied to his life. He was glad it wasn't Evanescence, because they made him feel uneasy, like something awful was going to happen. Then Grandpa would lock Yugi in his room to keep him from wandering down dark alleyways before calling the radio station to complain about the music.

"Listen, Yugi," said Yami, interrupting his mental description exercises. "I was thinking of going to stay with my good friend and lifelong rival Seto Kaiba for a while. Until Solomon-Sugoroku-san-sama-Santa-Claus gets back."

"Really? Why?"

Yami hesitated, casting his deep ruby eyes around the kitchen. This was so awkward. "Because when we're conveniently alone together, I have this unspeakable urge to jump you and have intense sexual encounters all over the city of Domino."

Yugi smiled, setting down his untouched cheeseburger—he was secretly anorexic, but that was better than Ryou, with his razorblades and his abusive relationships, the limey bastard—and casting his amethyst eyes toward Yami. "I'm your hikari; we're supposed to have feelings for each other. It's only right."

Yami's garnet eyes burned with ill-disguised lust. "Just seems a bit not-on, what with me being a three-thousand year old Pharaoh and a sort of dark, vengeful spirit. And you being the embodiment of sunshine and happy thoughts."

"Yami, Yami, Yami," said Yugi, clearing the food from the table. "Don't you ever notice my punk-rock wardrobe and the sex toys in my underwear drawer? I'm all about bondage and nightclubs. I have so much experience I'm surprised I'm still dodging the STD bullet!"

"And…what, you like men?"

"Men, women, duel monsters, cephalopods—I think I even did it with the Tenth Doctor once. He's an alien, see. Travels around the BBC in his TARDIS."

"You're confusing me," admitted Yami, his blood-colored eyes rolling skyward. "What the Ra is a TARDIS?"

Yugi waved a hand. "Never mind, koi, that's crossover territory. The point is, I've experimented a lot but I'm ready to settle down. I am madly and desperately in love with you, Pharaoh Atem. Atemu? What dynasty are you, anyway?"

Scarlet eyes burning, Yami leaned forward, utterly ignoring the question. "You love me?"

"Of course I do. In fact, we should probably just shag now and be done with it. We all saw it coming, ha-ha, pun intended."

"I always thought you spelled it 'cum.'"

Halfway out of his pants, Yugi shrugged. "Either way's acceptable. I always thought that was a little crass, though. Are you going to get naked or what?"

"But what about foreplay?" Yami whined with an attractive pout. His clothes vanished a moment later, banished to the shadow realm for all eternity. He enjoyed using the power of the Millennium Items unnecessarily and with no regard to the canon timeline. He also made a point of refusing to question the physical body with which he'd been inexplicably bestowed.

Yugi fumbled his fourteenth buckle, silently cursing his daring fashion sense. "There'll be time for foreplay later. Right now I want it hard and fast on the kitchen table, after which we shall lie together whispering sweet nothings until we collapse from exhaustion, oblivious to the possibility of discovery and secure in the knowledge that Grandpa is off exploring unspecified bits of Egypt _all the time_ despite being a gambler and a shopkeeper rather than an archaeologist." He took a breath, finally conquering the rest of his clothing and turning expectantly toward Yami. "What'll we use for lube?"

"Any number of things. Use your imagination!" Crimson eyes gazing lustfully at the disproportionately well-endowed teenager before him, Yami lifted Yugi onto the kitchen table and began to eagerly cover the basics. Kissing, tongue action, use of the world 'slippery,' quick break to marvel over Yugi's pale, perfect form, mentally comparing him to angels and flower petals while gazing intensely into his wide amethyst eyes. Then back to business—down his chest, over his thighs, avoid the feet; that's gross, come back up for a little oral stimulation, and…

Yugi came, loudly, startling the neighborhood cats. Yami smirked and carried on. He grabbed something for use as makeshift lube—could've been peanut butter, could've been olive oil, he wasn't paying attention—and started in on the routine. One finger, two, three, tell Yugi to calm down, it'll feel good in a minute…

"I know, Yami. I told you, I've slept with a lot of—"

"Let me have my fantasies."

"Right, sorry."

…then oil himself up and in we go and goodness, he's _tight_ for having slept with half of Domino…

"And a very persistent squid."

"Yugi!"

"Sorry."

…and there's the prostate, and we're hitting that quite effectively, not lasting much longer, oh look, Yugi came first, funny how he can ejaculate twice in the span of perhaps five minutes, but it's cool because now it's Yami's turn and hell yeah, that's good, that's _great_…

They collapsed, exhausted and sticky, atop the table. Yami rolled off to the side with a grunt.

The kitchen clock began to tick loudly.

"So," said Yugi, after a moment or two of silence. "I'm probably pregnant now, just so you know."

Yami tried and failed to open his sleepy vermilion eyes, opting instead to pat Yugi twice on the shoulder. "You're a boy, though. Thought it didn't work like that?"

"There's a vague, convoluted reason. Some flaw in my biology or a bit of magic gone wrong. I wasn't really paying attention when the doctor explained. We'll have to name it something Egyptian. Ooh, or a nice Western name like Alexis or Sabrina. Or Ryan, if it's a boy."

"You're confusing me again."

"Grandpa will be so pleased. If he ever comes back. Sometimes I suspect that Kaiba killed him that one time and replaced him with a hologram."

"Mmph. Probably."

Yugi reached over to adjust the radio. It was now playing "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. He could almost see the years drift by, he and Yami and their adorable children… He patted his stomach, satisfied. Soon he would be ripe with Yami's seed.

It was much later that they finally stirred, rising from the table with sleepy smiles as the afternoon sun crept through the window. Yami helped his hikari from the table, and together they made their way toward the shower, quietly content.

"You know," said Yugi, adjusting the spray, "it's really lucky this isn't some alternate universe where the two of us are brothers. That would be really awkward."

"Extremely," said Yami, eyes burgundy with the steam. "Now let's have more sex and stop talking about it."

So they did.

…

My sense of humor is cracked, but I like reviews. Especially if your sense of humor is cracked, too.

P.S. This was a parody. It's supposed to be silly. X3


End file.
